The Way We Talk

I had several calls and meetings this week where the subject of communication / improving communication came up. (surprise, surprise, right?!)

And then, just a few minutes ago I responded to an email string without reading the entire communication carefully (you know I like to read quickly and skim over things) and sent a reply that was totally wrong.

I’m thinking we (I) should probably focus on communication today : )

My own communication was absolutely a case of not listening (or reading) to understand, but listening (reading) to reply. While I was reading down through the string of emails, I was thinking about my reply for sure. How many times do you do this? My guess is a LOT. When we are in meetings and someone is talking I know we all are thinking about what we have to add / ask / discuss. I’m positive most of us don’t give the speaker our full attention.

Listening to reply means our full attention is on the person talking, whether in a group, one on one, on the phone, or yes, even in an email, and waiting to form your own reply until the other person is finished with their point. And, it’s not as easy as it sounds! I encourage you to try this at home this week with your partner or child or friend. It’s powerful, it takes practice, and (maybe for some of us more than others), it’s hard!

The other thing I have been thinking about this week is clarity in our communications. Sometimes we think we have given directions, or communicated a policy or request very clearly, and the other person does not act on it at all or seems like they never even heard what you’ve said. That’s frustrating … and not only frustrating to you, but frustrating to the other person as well.

I love the Brene Brown concept of “painting it done” for helping with this issue. Making sure when you are giving direction or making a request, you are absolutely clear about it and really explain what the end result looks like. 

Something else that can help us with this issue is engaging in a basic communication technique --- using reflective or "echo" statements in your conversations. It's not just for "therapy" or "coaching" … it actually works for all of us. In this case, I’m thinking of the person you are talking to / giving direction to / requesting something of as being the “echo-er.” So when you give a direction or make a request, you might actually say to the person, “I just want to be sure we are both on the same page …. Could you tell me what you understood about what I just asked you to do?” (or something like that, in your own words : ) Let them echo what you said, and if they are able to explain it in a way that seems to be what you said, you’re good to go. If not, start over, be clear, and “paint it done.”

Maybe take some time this week to think about how you communicate with your team, your clients and even your family, both verbally and in emails. It seems like an easy thing just to “talk to someone” but honestly, that’s the problem.

We usually talk to the other person instead of talking with the other person.

Let's talk less and listen more!